Campaign to Refrain from Disdain

Phil and I noticed the other day that we had somehow developed a tone of distain with each other. I hadn’t been feeling well and he’d been really feeling the pressure of deadlines at work. Whatever the cause, we didn’t like it and we made a pact to refrain from distain.

Distain is that nasty sharp tone of voice that cuts deeply. The words may be harmless in and of themselves. “What?” is an appropriate way to seek additional clarification. However, that same “What?” spoken with a silent “you worthless piece of scum” energy projected in the query harms both the one speaking and the one hearing.

It’s like a paper cut. Not very deep, yet it hurts like heck and it continues to hurt for days afterward. If experienced again, slices deeper and stings like crazy. People don’t die from a paper cut, but the sting reminds one that they are no longer ‘safe” with that person. When we speak with that tone of disdain, we sow the seeds of fear and mistrust. We are, in actuality, asking the other person to mistrust us!

Why do we speak in that tone of disdain? It’s a learned response to frustration. It’s meant as a simple nudge to push someone to please us. We want a certain thing a certain way, and we want it right now. Maybe stressors elsewhere make us feel impatient with the ones we love. Maybe we just get full of ourselves. Maybe we just are functioning barely within our limits. The outcome remains the same. Pain and mistrust ensues.

Energetically, here’s what happens. That tone of disdain cuts right through the energy field surrounding a person and slices directly into their heart-space. This slice is quick and sharp, so it doesn’t feel—well, terrible—just a slight “urk” feeling. Pulled up short. This opens the energy field and the heart-space. Positive energy leaks out while the disdain edges in. The disdain is like poison. Without realizing it, the receiver responds in distain as well. Both people leak positive energy while both people “fester” with this disdain poison all the while sending it back and forth.

We feel unsafe and teach/reinforce that unsafe feeling. The really sad thing is that we speak this way to ourselves!!!

So, how do we refrain from disdain? Notice it when it happens. Recognize it is not about you! Release the disdain, and heal yourself immediately with inner words of truth and kindness. (Like, I love, honor and respect myself. I appreciate all that I do in the time and way I do it.)

In time, if another person has spoken with disdain towards us, we can speak calmly to the other person. Perhaps we can let them know (lovingly as we can) that the way they said a thing kinda hurt. They may or may not get it. They may or may not be able to change. Their words of disdain are evidence of their own pain of frustration. Notice and let it go.

When we notice that we’ve spoken in a disdainful way, we apologize immediately! Even to ourselves! We restate what we intended to say in a clear, non-emotionally charged tone of voice. EVEN IF WE FEEL THEY (we) DESERVE our disdain, they don’t. No one deserves disdain. It’s that disdain poison talking. Stop listening to that voice.

We get to speak our truth clearly with a neutral voice. This heals us and offers healing to the one listening. Speak to the heart. The heart hears and feels what is being said and how it is spoken. Let’s let our words heal.

I wonder if we could start a campaign to refrain from disdain this year? Could we speak clear truth? I wonder what a difference this could make in our world? Let’s give that clear voice a try!

Brock Brown